They whys of raising children

To my kids, 

From the Proclamation,

"Husband and wife have a solemn responsibility to love and care for each other and for their children. “Children are an heritage of the Lord” (Psalm 127:3). Parents have a sacred duty to rear their children in love and righteousness, to provide for their physical and spiritual needs, and to teach them to love and serve one another, observe the commandments of God, and be law-abiding citizens wherever they live. Husbands and wives—mothers and fathers—will be held accountable before God for the discharge of these obligations...Children are entitled to birth within the bonds of matrimony, and to be reared by a father and a mother who honor marital vows with complete fidelity."

The family is the setting in which we are to learn and grow on this earth. Of course the family does not consist of just a husband and a wife. We are meant to have children and to raise them to follow God's plan for them. Not only that, but children deserve to be born into intact families. They need a father and a mother who will love and care for them their whole lives, not matter how hard it gets...and it will get hard.

I'm sure you have noticed that I am not always the most patient of parent. I tend to get frustrated easily and then the sarcasm comes out. Sadly, that is really no way to parent. There are so many things I wish I had done better. I am continuing to try and improve. I don't know that I will ever be the mom you guys really deserved or needed.

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I love this quote from President Harold B. Lee. Although it is many years old (He was the prophet when I was born), these words are still true today. There is nothing else in this life that you can do that is more important than raising children in the gospel. I know that and I hope that you know it, too. I have tried hard, and you guys have certainly made it easy to raise you in the church. I appreciate that you never really gave us a hard time about the church and it's teachings. I have heard from many moms about how they have to fight to get their kids to go to church and I'm glad that you never put us through that. 

There are so many different views on parenting in the world today. It doesn't seem to matter what you do, someone will think that it's totally wrong and you are going to screw up your kids. It takes a lot of faith and prayers to raise children, especially if you do it in a way that the world thinks is "wrong". 

I know I have said it many times that you guys come by your sarcasm naturally. Honestly, I hope that no one can say that about your children. The way you speak to your children will become their inner voice, that little voice they hear when no one else is around. I hope they hear you...being kind and encouraging, not using biting sarcasm and humor. Yes, sometimes that is funny, but more often it is hurtful. I wish I had realized that years ago. 

Finally, here are some quotes from President Boyd K. Packer. 

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If you follow the plan laid out by our Father in Heaven and try to raise you children in a gospel centered home than you will be able to weather whatever storms may get in your way. Keep your eye on the prize!

Never forget that your dad and I love you!

Talks from President Packer can be found here and here 

The importance of motherhood

To my kids, 

I can not fully express to you the joy I get from being your mother. It is one of the hardest things I have ever done in my life, but it also the best thing I have ever done. I do believe that one of my main purposes here on this earth is to be your mother. I love this quote from Elder Andersen,

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I'm not sure I have always made you feel like you are this important in my life. I hope I have, but I'm really not that sure. I want you to know that I have tried my hardest and that I hope you guys will understand how important motherhood is to our Heavenly Father.

I know that motherhood isn't all that popular anymore. These days women are supposed to be able to "do it all" but no one really succeeds at doing it all...something(s) always get less than the best and I'm afraid that children tend to be that something.

I want you all to know that I wish your dad and I had made better decisions earlier in our marriage that would've allowed me to stay at home with all of you. I missed a lot while you older three were young. I'm glad that things have worked out so that I could stay home these last almost 10 years. I have enjoyed the time I had to spend with all of you in those hours when I used to be at work.

In the Proclamation it says,

"By divine design, fathers are to preside over their families in love and righteousness and are responsible to provide the necessities of life and protection for their families. Mothers are primarily responsible for the nurture of their children. In these sacred responsibilities, fathers and mothers are obligated to help one another as equal partners."

Does this mean that the only thing a mother can/should do is nurture the children? Of course not! Mothers and fathers are to work together to support and raise their children. Please do what you need to do for your family. You all know that I spent many years working to help support our family. Hopefully that didn't diminish the nurturing that I was able to do. 

The world today is full of all kids of "mommy wars". Stay-at-home vs. working moms, breastfeeding vs. bottle feeding, helicopter moms vs. free-range parenting. It seems like it doesn't matter what you do, someone will tell you that it's wrong and you are totally screwing up your kids. Please know that being a parent, especially a mother, is the best thing you (or your wives) can do in this life. From my text, Sister Sheri Dew was quoted,

"Of all the words they could have chosen to define her role and her essence, both God the Father and Adam called Eve "the mother of all living"--and they did so before she ever bore a child....Motherhood is more than bearing children....It is the essence of who we are as women. It defines our very identity, our divine stature and nature, and the unique traits our Father gave us."

Women have a divine role in the plan of our Heavenly Father. We are the creators, with Him, of life. Mothers have an incredible influence in the lives of their children. Sami, I hope you remember that...and boys, always support your wives in their role as the mother of your children. It is such a big responsibility, but it brings such joy into your lives. Also...it is HARD to be a mother. The truest meme I've even seen on Facebook said, "Behind every successful child is a mom who's sure she's screwing it up". Always! I am always worried that I'm doing something that will mess you up for the rest of your life!

I just want to leave you with these last few thoughts...

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Never forget that your dad and I love you!

Dads are great!

To my kids, 

I hope you recognize some of these people! Weren't we all so cute back then?

"By divine design, fathers are to preside over their families in love and righteousness and are responsible to provide the necessities of life and protection for their families. Mothers are primarily responsible for the nurture of their children. In these sacred responsibilities, fathers and mothers are obligated to help one another as equal partners." The Family: A Proclamation to the World

 I want you guys to know how much I love your dad. He has been such a great father and husband. I hope you guys look to his example when you think of fatherhood.

From the Proclamation we learn that fathers are to preside, provide, and protect. I'm sure that seems like such a huge responsibility. But, as you look back at that first quote, it says that mothers and fathers are to help each other as "equal partners". Remember, in the parent/family relationship, one partner is not better or more important than the other. Always remember to work together as a couple when raising your family.

I hope you don't look at the examples in the media when you think of fatherhood. Fathers on TV these days seem to be bumbling idiots...the more bumbling and idiotic, the better. It is sad that this would be the view presented of fathers to the world. That isn't what I want you guys to think fatherhood is.

Boys, I want you to know how important it is to be a father and to work hard to raise righteous children. From my textbook,

"While many factors affect a father's motivation and involvement, research suggests that the quality of a father's relationship with a child's mother is perhaps the "secret ingredient" that makes the fathering recipe work best for most men and their children. The optimal environment for this fathering partnership to take place is a healthy marriage."

So the most important this you can do as a father is to love your children's mother. I hope you have paid attention to the example your dad has given you. He is a great help to me in the home. He definitely works with me as an equal partner in raising you guys. I don't think I could've asked for a better man to be you dad!

As I worked on this post on a chilly Saturday morning, way later in the semester than I meant to, I put it away unfinished when it was time for General Conference. I now think that doing that was inspired. During the Sunday morning session of Conference, Elder D. Todd Christofferson gave an excellent talk on fathers and fatherhood.  Please, go and listen to it again and remember the important role that fathers play in each and every family.

Never forget your dad and I love you!

The importance of the Temple in family life

To my kids,

I want you all to know how important the temple and the covenants that your dad and I made there, are to me. Almost 24 years ago, your dad and I joined hands across the altar in a sealing room in the Salt Lake Temple and made covenants to each other and to God and started this wonderful eternal family of ours. 

Some of the family and friends who joined us that day!

Knowing that our family is able to be together forever because of the covenants we've made has made it easier to push through the tough times in our life. It also helps me to know that you guys will be able to be with us forever if you can also persevere. 

I love that, for the last 10 years the Houston Temple has been within our ward boundaries. That is so amazing to me. Of course, with the most recent boundary change it is no longer the case, but I enjoy having it so close. I drive by it any time I have to take you guys to the doctor. I drive by it when I head to my part-time subbing job and the Methodist preschool. I will sometimes purposely take the route that goes by when I need to go somewhere on 1960. I love to see it! 

I wish your dad and I had set a better example of regular temple attendance for you guys. I think we, like many others, fell into the "it's so close, we can go anytime" thinking...except we don't make the time to go as often as we should. In some ways, it was easier when it was a 3 hour trip down to Denver. 

Andrew, I loved being there in the temple with you the first time you went before your mission. It was such a special, sacred event. I hope I am able to share that event with all of you kids!

I found this image on pinterest and it really struck me.

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It is so true. I'm not sure the covenants we make in the temple will help us if we don't return to our homes and keep them. We need to always be following what the Lord would have us do. And, if there is a time in your life where that just seems too hard to do, know that your dad and I will always be praying for you and holding strong to our covenants. Also remember, from my textbook,

"Regardless of the nature of the trials faced in mortality, there is no greater comfort than the knowledge that the Savior's Atonement is for all humankind who will accept him."

The temple helps to lead us to our Heavenly Father and to more fully accept the Atonement of Jesus Christ. He came to sacrifice himself so that we all may live with him and our Heavenly Father again.

Here's an awesome quote from Elder Scott,

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Never forget that your dad and I love you!

Focus on Family Faith

To my kids, 

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Faith is such a big part of our family life. I appreciate that none of you (so far) gave us any problems about going to church each week. I know there are families that have to deal with that, but it hasn't been a problems for us. I'm glad that you guys know how important it is for us to worship together as a family.

We haven't always done everything that we've needed to do in our family. FHE has been a hard thing for us to be consistent with. We did much better when Grandma and Grandpa Ray were here to give us a boost with that. Family scripture study has also been something that we struggle with. It is hard to find a time that will work for everyone's schedule. I know some families do their scripture time before their older kids leave for seminary, but I am just not coherent enough that early in the morning. We have done a pretty good job having our family prayers, at least at night, so that's a plus for us. :-)

I want you to know that your dad and I have worked hard to have our couple scripture study and prayer each day. Some days it is really hard, but we know it's important for our family. We read in the Book of Mormon every night before we go to bed and then we have our couples prayer together. I know that this had helped us feel closer to one another and to you guys.

From my text book, it says, 

"Kind, loving behavior by parents seems to facilitate the ability of a child to conceive of (and believe in) a loving God, while hostile parenting practices seem to dispel a child's faith in the benevolent supreme being."

I hope that your dad and I have been able to show you, through our example, the love that your Heavenly Father has for you. I'm sure it doesn't always come across like it should, but you should know that we love you and your Heavenly Father loves you, too!

One thing we need to work on, and that our church leaders have been focusing on lately, is doing a better job at keeping the Sabbath day holy. It's not like we are doing anything wrong, but we could be doing better. There are so many ideas out there of things that we could do on the Sabbath that would help to bring the spirit into our home more fully. I have made some half-hearted attempts to do them, but nothing every sticks. I found this list of "fun" Sunday activities on a blog and have pasted it her. There are some great ideas! I know it's hard now that we got switched to 1pm church (at least it wasn't 3pm, right Sami?) so maybe we can work on doing some of these things. I know that working harder to keep the Sabbath day holy will help all of us be closer to one another and closer to our Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ.

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There are a lot of ideas out there on what you can't do on Sunday. I know when you're young it's easy to focus on the "can'ts" but I challenge you to think about all the things you can do on the Sabbath. I'd bet you come up with a much longer list! (trust me...just look on pinterest!)

Never forget that your dad and I love you!

Family Prayer

To my kids, 

I want you to know how important prayer is for me and for our family. Prayer is how we are able to talk to God, to tell him of our trials and triumphs, of our struggles and joys, it is how we petition him for blessings that we need in our lives.

Prayer is an important part of marriage. When we marry in the temple we make covenants to each other and to God. He should be an active member of the relationship.

In my text book it says,

"Prayer is the means by which individuals may invite God to play an active role in their relationship...As individuals pray specifically for the well-being of their partner, they come to perceive their relationship with this person as being holy and sacred"

I truly believe that our Heavenly Father wants us to think of our marriages of being holy and sacred. 
 

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I am glad that we have been able to make family prayer a priority in our family. Even when there are arguments over whose turn it is to pray we all know that the important thing is that we do pray. It's been great to see how you guys learn to express yourselves when it is your time to pray. I have loved hearing Jay pray, when he tries to use the phrasing that dad or I use and it doesn't come out quite right, but we all know what he's trying to say.

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Please, when you have your own families, make sure that family prayer is a priority. Praying with and for each other can only bring you closer together.

Never forget that dad and I love you!

Blessings of work

To my kids, 

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Work, ugh, right? I know that sound you are making. It's the sound I hear every time I ask someone if they've done their chores, or if they can set the table, or switch the laundry. Yeah, that sound!

"Is family work a God-ordained necessary evil? Or do we ignore its true nature? In fact, ordinary household work that is often considered a waste of time can be a time of closeness and fun that strengthens family bonds and develops Christlike virtues...

Family work provides endless opportunities to recognize and fill others' needs. It thus teaches us to love and serve one another, inviting us to be like Jesus Christ...

Few things in life are as small , simple, or of seemingly little value as the everyday tasks we do for family members."

I know you guys hate that I make you do things around the house, but these statements from my text book give a little glimpse into my reasoning. I want you to see how serving someone, even someone in your own family, can make you feel. It helps us get a small hint of what our Savior has done for us. Serving one another brings us closer to him. Also, I want you to be able to take care of yourselves when you no longer live with dad and me.  I know that doing your own laundry, loading/unloading the dishwasher (we still need to work on hand washing dishes!), and cleaning the bathroom is no fun at all, but those whom you will live with in the future will be glad that you have these skills.

I think part of why we should work together as a family is so we can spend that time together doing something constructive rather than just staring at the television. Not that TV and movie watching isn't good family time, it can be, but there are other things we can do together as a family that will help us grow closer to one another. Working together, be it in the house, or in the yard, or in serving someone else, gives us time to talk to one another and maybe share things that we haven't had an opportunity to discuss before. Doing mundane tasks like hand washing dishes or pulling weeds, gives you mind an opportunity to wander and ponder on things in your life.

I hope you guys enjoy spending time with Dad or me when we ask you to help us do something. I know it's usually pulling you away from something much more important, but please know that we ask for you help because we need it, or we just want to spend time with you. Don't ever give up that chance. And, please remember that when you are parents. Kids don't stay little too long, get your time in while you can. I still remember my brothers and I fighting over who would get to go to the dump with grandpa. I really don't think it was because the dump was such an exciting place, I think it was more because then we could spend time with grandpa one-on-one.
 

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Never forget that your dad and I love you!

Wholesome family recreation

To my kids, 

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I don't know about you, but whenever I hear that line from the Proclamation, "wholesome recreational activities" I think of being outdoors, camping, hiking, etc. All that stuff that we, as a family, haven't done much of in the last few years. Maybe it's where we live; Maybe it's how "busy" we've gotten; Maybe that's not really what it means!!

I love the time we are able to spend together. Yes, we may not be out hiking or bike riding, but I think having family game night at home is a great wholesome recreational activity. Also, as a family we spend a lot of time swimming. I loved the couple of years when all you guys were on the summer league swim team. That was a great way to spend some family time together. Actually I enjoy pretty much any time we are able to spend together as a family. It doesn't matter what we're doing as long as we are spending time together. Taking time to doing things together as a family helps us to grow closer to one another and can help us be happier in our family.

You were all so cute back then. Divisionals June 2012

I want you all to know how much I truly do love you. I am so glad I am your mom and I get to see you grow into righteous daughter and sons of our Heavenly Father. 

Never forget that your dad and I love you!

 

Building on a strong foundation

To my kids,

My google search for "strengthening marriage" had 3 separate entries that would take you to lds.org. That is certainly refreshing after my search results for "dating".

I love that I can go to the Church leaders when there is something that I am wondering about or a topic that I'd like to share with you. In my textbook (Successful Marriages and Families) is a quote from President Spencer W. Kimball from 1976, talking about marriage. He said,

While marriage is difficult, and discordant and frustrated marriages are common, yet real, lasting happiness is possible, and marriage can be more an exultant ecstasy than the human mind can conceive. This is within the reach of every couple, every person.

Also from my textbook here's some advice from Elder Bednar about how focusing on Christ can help a strengthen a marriage.

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Marriage is hard. I think anytime you have two people who have been raised differently, even if it is within the Church, you are going to have two different ideas of how to do things. Of course, that doesn't mean that one way is better than the other, they're just different. You will need to make an effort to find your own way of doing things as a couple.

Marriage takes commitment. You need to be willing to work for what you want and do all you can to make it work. In the text, Elder Bruce C. Hafen says,

When troubles come, the parties to a contractual marriage seek happiness by walking away. They marry to obtain benefits and will stay only as long as they're receiving what they bargained for. But when troubles come to a covenant marriage, the husband and wife work them through. They marry to give and to grow, bound by covenants to each other, to the community, and to God. Contract companions each give 50 percent. But covenant companions each give 100 percent. Enough and to spare. Each gives enough to cover any shortfall by the other.

Both spouses are not always strong at the same time. They can't always give 100 percent. When one is feeling depleted, the other spouse steps up to cover the difference. Just keep working together towards your common goal.

Make sure you are building your marriage on a foundation of love and friendship. Make sure you are communicating positively with one another. And, life will get hectic and busy, but never stop dating each other. Take the time to connect with one another, even if it is just a walk around the block. Talk to your spouse and continue to grow together.

Never forget that your dad and I love you!

Duncan, S. F. & Zasukha, S. M. (2012) Foundational Processes for an Enduring, Healthy Marriage.  In Hawkins, A. J., Dollahite, D. C. & Draper, T. W. (eds.), Successful Marriages and Families: Proclamation Principles and Research Perspectives (pp. 27-37). Provo, UT: BYU Studies

Being (not finding) the right person

To my kids,  

 

(As much as I dislike Gloria Steinem and her views on men and women, this is right on point!)

In my textbook this semester it talks about having the right approach to marriage and the lists we all make to find Mr. or Ms. Right. In chapter 1, the author quotes Elder Bednar who said,

"The "list" is not for evaluating someone else--the list is for you and what you need to become. And  so if there are three primary characteristics that [you] hope to find in an eternal companion, then those are the three things [you] ought to be working to become. then [you] will be attractive to someone who has those things...You are not on a shopping spree looking for the greatest value with a series of characteristics. You become what you hope your spouse will be and you'll have a greater likelihood of finding that person."

How true that is. At this time in your lives you should be working to become the person you want to be and trying to acquire those traits you are looking for in a spouse. Focus on what you can do for yourself before you start looking for someone else.

When it does come time to start looking for "the one", remember that you are looking for an Eternal Companion, not a soul mate. Again from the text, President Kimball said,

"Soul mates are fiction and illusion; and while every young man and young woman will seek with all diligence and prayerfulness to find a mate with whom life can be most compatible and beautiful, yet it is certain that almost any good man and any good woman can have happiness and a successful marriage if both are willing to pay the price." 

 Make sure you are doing what you can to be the right person, then it will be easier to find the right person.

Never forget that your dad and I love you! 

Carroll, J.S. (2012) Young adulthood and pathways to eternal marriage.  In Hawkins, A. J., Dollahite, D. C. & Draper, T. W. (eds.), Successful Marriages and Families: Proclamation Principles and Research Perspectives (pp. 3 - 15). Provo, UT: BYU Studies